


New Divide

by the_lie_eternal



Series: The Great Art Of Living [2]
Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Coping with Death, Depressing, Fear, M/M, how to deal with death, kinda happy end, mood, sequel to fade to black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 12:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11104551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lie_eternal/pseuds/the_lie_eternal
Summary: I knew you can do it. I am proud of you.





	New Divide

**Author's Note:**

> The sequel of 'Fade to Black', I recommend to read that one first.
> 
> A songfic to 'New Divide' by Linkin Park ^^

_I remembered black skies_

_The lightning all around me_

 

I did not jump. That wasn't what he wanted.

“I want you to continue your life, to be happy and to enjoy it. I will always love you and I will always take care of you, no matter if I die or survive.”

He said that back when he had to go to hospital for the first time. He accepted that there was a chance he will not survive, I did not. Fuck, even until the second of his last heartbeat I believed that he will live, that we can return to our normal lives with the band. I loved him so much, more than my own life. Every fight we once had or every time we pretended to hate each other was just forgotten.

I would've given everything just to bring him back to life.

 

_I remembered each flash_

_As time began to blur_

 

It was Jani who pulled me down the railing, saving me of the moment I might change my mind and jump. I cried, helplessly I clawed myself into Jani’s hug, I knew that he wouldn’t let me go this quickly. He brought me back home, tears kept flowing and flowing. I saw the pictures in front of my eyes, of times my lover almost died and of the day he died. Jani did not ask any questions, he brought me to my bed and sat down next to me.

“Don't leave us.” he said, also in tears as he stroked his hand through my hair. “I know that all you want right now is to die. We miss him too, please, don't make us lose another one.” hearing his gentle voice calmed me but it's sad undertone hurt me even more, at the same time.

Not a single word left my lips after the loss, quite for a while. I remember how I broke out in tears the first time I heard my own voice again. So familiar and yet feeling like a stranger is talking through me.

I wondered if he watched.

 

_Like a startling sign_

_That fate had finally found me_

 

I actually made it not to cry like a waterfall when I stood in front of his grave. I escaped the thoughts, I didn't have the feeling of killing myself anymore. He was gone. I loved him but there was no reason in crying day and night for months for something I can't bring back to life.

 

_And your voice was all I heard_

_That I get what I deserve_

 

“I want you to live. I want you to enjoy life. I want you to be happy.”

I tried to, Jaska.

“You need to return.”

I need your help, Jaska.

“I am there, right beside you.”

I can't live without you, Jaska.

“You need to believe in yourself!”

I can't!

“You can! I believe in you!”

 

_There was nothing in sight_

_But memories left abandoned_

 

I couldn't make it. I stood in front of the grave and collapsed down onto my knees through all the pain, the thoughts about the bridge returned – several times. However, after all I was too lazy and tired leave my house at all so I just stayed inside. I cried myself to sleep, day after day.

I missed him, I missed him so much, I couldn't live without feeling his body beside me, hearing his sweet voice and looking into these beyond beautiful eyes.

 

_So give me reason_

_To prove me wrong_

_To wash this memory clean_

 

Why should I continue life with my reason to live buried underneath a pile of dirt? There was nothing left for me anymore. I stopped following my hobbies, once again I locked myself up. Was there a reason for me to ever go out again? Nobody will wait for me, nobody will care about where I've been and if I am well. No fucking single human being on the whole world cared about me. Would someone even notice it if I threw myself in front of the next train?

Shut up, Jari.

I have the guys and I have my family … if they only knew about the shit I was going through. I didn't talk to anyone, how can I expect something to change if I literally do nothing for it?

 

_Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes_

_Across this new divide_

 

There was a day, countless moths after the happening, when I laid on my bed, the sheets feeling like pure and ice-cold stone. I stood up to switch over to the couch but my feet brought me elsewhere.

My drumkit. It was dusty, must had been a while since I used it for the last time.

I sat down and looked at the sticks for a quiet while. They felt amazingly comfortable in my hands … what if …?

I slammed one of the sticks onto a snare. Again. Again. Shit, why did it feel so good. I added my other hand, producing more a childish noise-making than professional drumming but I needed this. Sound after sound I felt my worries leaving my body, even if it was just for a short while.

Slowly I felt my surroundings disappearing, my heartbeat synchronized with my drumming, the music owned my body. How I could forget my passion for this instrument so easily? In this moment I realized that I haven't heard from my bandmates for way too long. Snapping out of my trance I jumped up and left through the front door, heading to our studio.

 

_In every loss_

 

“Today we need to give you the sad and heartbreaking news that Jaska's heart was too weak and that he lost the fight. We hope he is in a better place now, free of any pain and worries.”

 

_In every lie_

 

“Calm down, it's all going to be fine again. You can do this, you will survive this, you are a fighter.”

 

_In every truth that you'd deny_

 

“Without your love, my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust.”

 

_And each regret_

 

“I wanted to take my life, several times. Don’t go there, guys, never go there.”

 

_And each goodbye_

 

“I love you, Jari, always and forever.”

 

_Was a mistake too great to hide_

 

I laid my whole life into his hands. Through his death I realized what a helpless idiot I was. Too weak to live without his help … I needed to change myself. I needed to accept my mistakes and make them well again. I never had much self-confidence and belief in myself – probably the biggest reason why Jaska's loss affected me so much.

I should had begun to learn how to handle my own life and own problems without someone taking care of me much earlier. I am a full-grown adult, I should know how to live.

No, not really. But I searched for help. Not because I needed someone beside me, I needed someone to show me how to live.

And I knew I could always rely on my bandmates. That was the first time I openly talked about my problems and man, did that feel good.

 

_And your voice was all I heard_

_That I get what I deserve_

 

“I knew you can do it. I am proud of you.”


End file.
